Sunday, April 30, 2006

kill me quick...

Many people say I could adjust anywhere.

Put me in a room full of kids and I could be one of them, or inside a place where opinionated people are in and I could talk for hours. That's how valuable I am. Because I know where I should stand.

But lately, I'm finding it hard to even recognize and adjust to myself. Seems like I'm in a different trance where I should be "miss nice" and not throw my imperfections to people. Seems like I'm kidding myself. And the worst part? I couldn't even find my voice in that crowd. It's stupid right? But really, it's breaking me every minute. Some friends are asking me plans about it, and definitely, I couldn't find an answer inside my head anymore. I'm letting imaginary heroes take care of it. Why? Because I don't wanna be the possessive, narrow-minded and nag that people wanted to think of. And that makes it more confusing. I used to have a plan on those things, or a counter-attack, but then voila, I can't find that reasoning anymore.

I'm not asking for eternity, some minutes would be fine, but I can't even form you in my head.

I need a break. I need to clear my mind or else I would continue suffering and that would cause me a crack in the head. I'm not so sure whether I am that insensitive or you're the one that's dense. I'm really not sure.

I'm not used to psy-wars. Malyn told me I'm not used to that because I still live in the perfect and peaceful world. Maybe I am still living in the warm and fuzzy environment. Or maybe because I let people lead me to it and I can never be ready for those situations. So what, I'm pampered. I am used to being treated as a princess, and used to getting things my way. I plan early, because I don't want to miss out on things. I love hard, and fall really hard, that's why I'm always hurt. I'm a little paranoid because I am traumatized by the drama that my past relationships has brought me. I am sensitive and a crybaby, because I cannot control my tears falling from my eyes and I let my emotions rule my head. Yeah, so what?

Problem with me is that I could forgive easily. With a message saying just a simple hi, my anger and disappointments would disappear just like that. Bottom line? I'm hurt but please, give me something to hold on to. That I'm not just hoping, that someday, all of these would be real, that I'm not the only one who feels warm and fuzzy, and that I would never be alone again.


Sunday, April 23, 2006

work. nuff.

I can only express my truest feelings through writing.. the problem is, I'm unsure of how I feel.

Don't get me wrong by this, I'm just pressured to find a job that suits me. My four-day work with CITEM is already over. It's unemployment for me again. But I found real people with the enumerators I've worked with-- Vic, Leo, Kharl, Richy, Louie, Dianne, Marvi, Vanni and of course to my partner in taking the guts out to the buyers, Kuya Ryan. Mas ibang level ka talaga. hehe. Although four days is a short span of time to realy know each other, we proved that it was a team. No foreigners who didn't want to answer our surveys nor the buzz at the Buyer's Lounge could ever make us give up. haha, I just hope they learned the lesson to deal with us the next time, well, if there is by chance a next time. =)

More thanks to Vic because he proved that he isn't really the perv that I know of. Just kidding, thanks for the gift. It isn't my birthday but thanks. I'm really glad you trusted me with all your stories about you know what and you know who. I also hope you learned much from me considering I'm your ate and not just the "Catholic School Girl" you used to refer me to. And please lang, wag ako nili-link kung kani-kanino ha! Bad yan!

Wahey, this is not a testimonial but I have to say my thanks here to Ryan. To the best partner in scouring the PICC for buyers, the videoke buddy and shuttle bus co-traveller, sobrang THANKS talaga. If it weren't for you, I wouldn't even survive the first day at WTC and have the guts to approach foreigners. Sana lang, wag niyo na kong ibenta ni Vic diba? You would always be the big brother I never had. I would really pray that you would have a great job asap, and a deserving partner that would really take care of you. I believe you could find one someday my fellow Virgo-counterpart. I would always be your lady version and you would be my guy version. Twin ba. =)

Enough being sentimental, now I have all the time to look for a permanent job again, or just bum around the house. My next mission is Port Area. If all else fails, I'd audition for a singing contest instead. (kamusta naman yun?!?)

And I wanna spend my time with someone I now miss since I haven't talked to him for quite some time. I appreciate that even through text, you never failed to make me smile everyday. *hug*

Oh well, my feet are aching badly. Gotta go. Sleep. Breathe. XD

Saturday, April 22, 2006

Spoiled

I have been a pain to two guys at work. But thanks to them, I'm really keeping up in overcoming my so-called shyness to talking to foreign buyers and asking them to answer the survey. But really, this experience brought me new friends, new attitude and adventure.

And although I'm such a baby to the two pampering "kuyas" (with Vic treating me as if I'm 15 and Ryan as if I'm 11.), I still think I'm managing to be sort of professional with work though sometimes, I tend to slack off. (labo) But I'm really trying to keep my pace.

Went to Boardwalk to celebrate Kai's grad dinner. Was fun and met Pangwi and Rainbow. The stars were all twinkling. Too bad you're not there to see it. I was hoping that one day, we could gaze at the skies just watching the stars. Sayang pa because we haven't had the chance to see the meteor shower.

Till here, I'll just blog again to share my experience and if i can make it to my quota tomorrow. am sleepy. its already 3am, i have work at 9 am, and yeah, hope I could wake this morning.

...zzzzz..mwah!

Monday, April 17, 2006

se siente como la primera vez

I wanna be Scarlett O'Hara for a day.

Nah, that would just be a fantasy. Number one, I am not a boy magnet. And two, I am so much loyal when it comes to love. Well, we sometimes have this thoughts of i-wanna-be (insert name here) and I tried watching Gone With the Wind last night for the second time. So there, so much for being a movie junkie.

But I have a very good reason to be one. Adapted from Gilmore Girls: "I wouldn't be the girl who would spend hours cleaning her keyboard when she could go out with her friends"

Get it? The best girls don't stay at home. They should be out with their special someone on a Saturday night or any night. Or maybe I don't wanna be Scarlett anymore. I choose to be Rory Gilmore, but not with Jess, with Logan. But hear ye, please be my Logan.. (wow, pinilit.)

Si friend (uy blind item. you know who you are) was pissed at me the other night for babbling about I being unemployed and all. So his way of making me shut up is to bombard me with lots of net sources and companies that are looking for writers/journalists/basta hindi call center!.. Well bottomline of mentioning? I would not blab again. nyarnyar..=)

I'm bored. I should be sleeping now but I can't. Said goodnight to you already but snuck up to check my emails. I'm not lying to anyone but I'm kinda guilty for this one, but you know, I'm giving myself a break.

*************************
The "TALK" made me feel good. It felt light afterwards. Or maybe because of the fact that you didn't let me get away from you. That felt nice. So nice actually. Just so you want to know, I've dealt with this before, and I tried so hard, but still it wasn't good for him. Actually, everything I do isn't good for him.

I guess it's been long enough that I had to remember that. My old self isn't present anymore. And I believe this is my third time to say that I have moved on. And I stand by it. I'm happy. So happy that it feels just like the first time I was in love..<3

..haay ria, itulog mo nalang yan.

nyt!=)

Friday, April 14, 2006

Gloom

I have been in the dumps lately. Though someone nice is trying to pick me up from the fall, this week has been one of the disasters I've ever had. I'm feeling bad about not seeing someone, not talking to that someone and not knowing where we'll end up. And my heart is getting bruised everytime I think of it, and makes me wanna cry more. I just don't know what to do about it. I have no idea what I should do or how I should ever think, let alone how I should feel. And the worst part, I'm getting used to the fact that I'm blaming myself for the damages that I've been doing for the both of us. I just don't want him to leave, but I'm getting frustrated about it. I don't know.

I don't want to care anymore, but eventually, I could not NOT care.


So anyway, enough with stress, because this time, I wanna take over my life. I mean taking over doing great stuff, concentrating on getting a job, waking because the world wants to you to wake up and all that stuff. I just don't wanna cry everyday and thinking about my strenuous almost there life. And if I could just leave my world for one day and think of no one, I believe I can get back to my old and normal self. The one who loves herself more than others.

But anyhow, I think it'll never happen again.

***********************
I have an upcoming summer job for four days or five if you count orientation with CITEM in one of their trade shows. But I'm really counting on ABC5 or Colors Publishing to interview then hire me. Channel 5 called and they were looking for a PR Writer for a contest, but I can't really tell you what because it might still be a secret or something. I even jokingly said to a friend that if I couldn't snag the job, I'll just join the contest or something. =) At least its something I'm good at, I think.

So the problem is, I'm really hoping that they would schedule the interview say, Monday or Tuesday next week because I would really be occupied from Wednesday till Saturday and I have no idea what I'm gonna do with it. So I'm praying real hard that nothing would go in my way because it would really be hard for me to decide where to go first or who to prioritize. That would really suck and I hate to break my promises.

Kai and I talked about best thesis and all this afternoon. I wonder if ours was chosen to be one of the Most Notable Theses. Sir Jere hasn't announced it yet, and were kinda hoping for it because we really worked hard on it and I think Sir Jeff would be pleased if we were one of them. News anyone?

Oh, and 4Journ1, about that outing you've been planning, I think I'm gonna try taking a break from jobhunting and my stressful life to spend time with you. I just hope that when you decide to have the gimmick, I would still be free. I'm just wishing to spend time with you guys. =)

So much for my Holy Week. But I enjoyed the Gilmore Girls Marathon. I just hoped they aired Season 5 because I missed a lot of episodes from that and Quiapo still doesn't have the series or something.

Well, guess I have to stop blogging now. Its late already. I mean, morning already.

Oh,and special mention to Byron James, thanks for having the time to read and comment on my blog. I hope you're doing well now you're overseas and all. And thanks for the faith, I knew I could count on you mi friend. =)

And I'm really out.. =)

Sunday, April 09, 2006

Sunny Saturday

Have done enough bumming time today. On Monday, it's time for some serious job hunting obligations. I'm gonna be interviewed for CITEM, a trade and missions company, and they're also offering me as an initial something, a summer job for four days, inteviewing foreign investors. Not sure yet about it though, still have to be interviewed before I could interview these people. =)

Im afraid of losing this one person. I have been paranoid about the fact that one day, he could again forget that I exist. I just don't want that to happen again. Not when I'm kinda being used to the fact that he's one of the important people in my life, and someone who cares for me more than I could ever take care of myself. I just hope we could work things out. I just don't want something to end before it even began.

***************
Had a movie date with Malyn and Angel this afternoon. Have been laughing our heart's out with Ice Age 1 and 2. Not really addicted, but had loads of fun since my heart's been jumping into circles and I need to laugh more.

Also passed my sample articles to COLORS Publishing. I so wanna be a travel writer. Wish I could work there, or CITEM din. Whoever hires me first naman. I just need a job, a writing profession. And I don't care how much money someone could rake in call centers. I'm not against it. It's not just an option yet.

I'm trying to catch my sleep back. I think I'm already insomniac. I just don't wanna think about being sick anymore, I would just be entitled to panic even though I'm perfectly healthy.

Oh well, its funny to finally realize that I'm growing up to be like my mother. I am definitely good at nagging, like her. We both enticed to fancy stuff that it led her to bring me shopping for office attires, and I think were both open to so many opinions, and our own opinions too. And its nice that were really close now. Not really Lorelai- Rory Gilmore relationship, but at least, were mother-daughter/friends.

*************************
Oh, how I really wish I could talk to you now. I'm missing you..really.

Gotta go sleep. I'm out..

Thursday, April 06, 2006

La La Land...

I'm in a different trance now. I coined the place La La Land because my feelings are kinda following that way *read: hearts, music, daydreams* I just hope it will lead me back home and could last for the longest time. <3

Had the most difficult test I've ever had today. Since Mela and I applied weeks ago in BusinessWorld, we were scheduled to have a TEST. She and I even reviewed our notes during Sir Salvosa's class for nothing. We has application, logic, strategic planning, arithmetic and personality tests. Some were easy but the problem is time management. Well I don't think some normal person could finish that too. After the exam, Icy, Mela and I felt tired but still tried to joke about the exhausting test.

So anyway, I think my chances on passing to the that company is getting slim to zero. But what the heck, there are a LOT of companies out there. I know I could accomplish to snag a job in one of the broadsheets in the Metro Manila. My other option is to go to the tourism jobs fair tomorrow at the PICC. Hopefully, companies are looking for PR Writers and stuff. I think that my dream job of traveling and writing at the same time could be there. I'm really crossing my fingers now.

I'm kinda sleepy. But I will talk at the right time. But for now, I guess I have to be mum about my life. Though I'm really into this. =)

Still happy and still inspired...

Tuesday, April 04, 2006

yay!

Motto: When God closes a door, he opens a window.

Told this when I sent my classmates a message in our yahoogroups. It's just funny that it actually came out of my mouth all of a sudden. First off, I'm still unemployed. Pending interviews and waiting for companies to actually barge me in my so-called slumber. But then, I'm not really complaining because someone's keeping me busy nowadays.

I miss my friends. It's just that every day I wake up, I would either think first if I was supposed to be in class. Then it'll finally dawn into me that I do no longer need to. So back to the sheets, I would cuddle myself until the sun turns to really make me wake.

Mela and I would go to PDI tomorrow to pass our resume. She said they badly needed BUSINESS Writers. In fairness and thanks to Sir Salvosa, I'm really hoping to be in the newspaper career from the subject he taught us.

And on Wednesday, we'll be having a test for BUSINESSWORLD. Since they're requiring us to bring a sample work, I would have to scour my things again.

Gotta go. I'm just happy right now. Just couldn't believe what just happened. But I'm glad to be part of your world. naks. =)

Sunday, April 02, 2006

April Fool

My heart's been jumping lately, and for unknown reasons.

I have been interviewed last Friday at ABS CBN Creative Dev't Group. I feel as if I'm in deep water right now. Jops and I are not sure of our status in getting the job. She said that my concept paper was good, but then, Jops isn't one of the interviewers. I mean, it's my dream company to work into. I have been rooting for the station my whole life. Really, there's no other station in mind, though I applied in other stations. Rival stations pa ha!

I'll be having a celebration this afternoon. I'm gonna feel the waters again. Meaning pool waters. My family's going swimming and I'm coolm with that. =) Then afterwards, will go to Glorietta to celebrate with Mela and other classmates for her cum laude dinner.

BTW, Happy April Fool's Day and Happy Birthday to my 'kada, TATS!

Namimiss ka na ng XZENO!

Keanna Reeves won the Pinoy Big Brother celebrity edition title. I believe that among the four, she was the most deserving. I mean instead of *cough Zanjoe cough*
Sorry, I just don't like the guy..especially for him to win it? argh.

Right now, I'm afraid to get hurt again. I don't know. I might get too attached.. I just hope I wouldn't get disappointed.

...Im sleepy. have to do this another time =)

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