Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Can I Just Die Now?

Lord, please tama na.

You know that I never lied, cheated, disgraced your name. But killing me softly and torture by the one I loved the most is the most painful thing on Earth. I dont deserve this. If I see someone who has been through everything I'm encountering now, I would tell her to stop loving and start living. I would tell her that she deserves someone who could define her relationship or tell her how he strongly feel about her.

NOT.LIKE.THIS.

I cannot beg any longer. I cannot be blind no more. I wanna give up but I dont want to tolerate the wrong. I wanted revenge but you know that it isnt really my nature. I want to stab my heart into pieces so it wouldnt beat so strongly anymore. As Ninya defined, suicide is the best option. Quick and painful, meaning a separation. Instead of torture, that I continue to wait but knowing in my heart that I have been stabbed a million times.

Im not okay. Im a captive in my own misery. I chose to put myself in the situation even though I know Im not worth being there. I excused my actions because I wanna prove Im not immature, but Im hurting. Im irrational as hell. I am mourning for someone who doesnt even deserve my love.

I can only take so much. And I can only give so less. I wanna be happy again. I want to see my life to be living. I want to be there when you realized that I can give you your happiness, but I am exhausted. I am weakening. And I can no longer breathe. :(

Monday, September 28, 2009

Road to Redemption

I'm paving my way to be happy again. Not with a guy, but with the people I love the most, my family and friends. :)

I have been in a rollercoaster turmoil this past few weeks that I had to stoop myself low and redefine who I am and what really is in me. When I thought I was stupid, they are the ones who gladly tell you that your stupidity is caused because of your good heart. When I say I'm so blind, they tell you that its because your eyes sparkle so bright that you cannot see what's in front of you. Yes, they sugarcoat everything, but despite it all, they made me stronger. They made me a better Ria. And they loved me more than I could ever love myself.

They may come from very different age groups, but they are all my life now. I never really realized how beautiful it is to wake up each morning and know that there are people in this world who could mean much even though you are not defined by blood. They are soul sisters, and I wouldnt have it any other way. :)

So to all of you, I know that this will still be a long journey. I may make hasty decisions now, but I know youre there to pick me up and pounce me in head and bring me back to reality. Now I feel like Serena tuloy, even though I fought like Blair. hehehe.

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Typhoon Ondoy left a big aching mark in our country. It never thought to leave us with so much properties. But again, it gave the Filipinos hope. The hope to be united again. The hope to pick up the pieces and start again. The flicker of light that says Filipinos love each other no matter how brutal this world is.

And maybe God wanted us to be better people, He has a purpose in everything anyhow. :)

But I'm praying for those who are battered by the disaster. I hope that they may heal in time and may the souls of the departed rest in peace.

One simple prayer is enough. So let us offer one now. :)

XOXO

Sunday, September 27, 2009

He is..

He is my song. My melodies could be out of tune without him. Every love song I hum, every lyric I utter, it came from the heart that binded us together.

He is my world. I was never willing to share anyone in it before he came. I never let anyone enter because my world is considered my home. Where I know I could rest and be contented. He rocked it with a simple hello, and I let him because I know he is worthy.

He is my family. Even as a kid, I used to see him. I've always thought we'll end up not just flower girl and ring bearer. I always knew I'd say yes in front of it. I always knew that God blessed the first time we walked together when were kids. He is my family, and he knew how much family meant for me.

He is my heart. It never stopped beating for him. Even in separation, my heart beats loudly everytime a simple thing in his life happens. Everytime I sense chaos, it pounds like hell. He is my heart, and it defines everything I feel. It defines us.

I am staying, because I'm loving. I am strong because I believe in the sense of it. I am waiting, because the roads have paved the ways for us before.

He is my everything, and I need my everything. Especially in this life of melancholy.

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Of Love Not Letting Go.

I came across this image at tumblr.com today. And it completely defines me. I just know it does.

I have been from a pampered family. I was never hungry nor given what is less. I never really worked for anything that's so hard while I was growing up. Except for love. I have been hurt for so many times, but never did I regret losing those love, because I have always thought that something or someone better will come to me.

And luckily, it did. To the person that I could say I'm at ease the most. Where pretentions did not exist. And happy endings are always memorable. Until today.

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Somehow, I just hope that this gets to you. I hope you know that I'm fighting nail and tooth because I wanted US badly. I cannot wake up everyday thinking what might have been and not getting your good morning messages. Even watching the most boring movie is still fun because you are there to mock it with me. Going faraway places isnt exactly a happy trip when youre not there holding my hand during an airplane ride or a bumpy road.

Yes, I am pampered. And he continued pampering me.

But today, I think its my time to do everything I could to make him not feel any more less. Because he is by far the most wonderful thing that happened to me. I might be stupid for breaking the laws but I have defied fire and hell just so I could have that love back.

Someone asked me, FOR THE THINGS THAT HE'S DOING TO ME TODAY, IS HE EVEN WORTH IT? I told her that ignoring me and snubbing me is painful, but he's worth all the pain in this world. Happiness cannot be defined without him smiling in front of me. May it be when we were just three years old when I found out that I had a crush on him, or during the time we talked during his sister's wedding and saw OUR fireworks, so I will risk everything, just to be with him again.

After all, he was the one who said that "if you love a person, you'd never be willing to let her go because you would want to spend your forever and ever with her".

And so I am standing by that promise. :)

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Yes, If Only

Everytime I watch the film If Only, I could only relate to Jennifer Love Hewitt's (Samantha) character. Only now did I realize that I'm not like her at all. Im more of Paul Nicholls' (Ian) persona.

I always whine and complain of my life when I shouldnt. Why? Because far more people needed attention than myself. Some people deserves to be heard and appreciated for you might lose them one day.

Ian Wyndham realized that when Samantha died of a car accident. No matter how the taxi driver tried telling him to appreciate her and love her, he just did what he thought he should do, but left Samantha leaving him. Ian got another chance of proving Samantha how he loved her. And truly appreciate her. Of course, his clock was ticking (or rather it stopped), but he knew that instant that even if Samantha's going to die, he will do his best to spend the remaining hours with her.

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I am no Ian Wyndham. Because I am me. I wanted to be better and do not want the risk of making the person I love that he is special on his final hours. My best friend talked to me today and made me realize that I was loving him the wrong way. I got selfish and it ended me here. Alone. I never thought to appreciate what I have because I looked at myself with so much pride that it made me again, alone. I didnt see what was in front of me. I didnt see that anyone is capable of giving up everything just to make me happy. And I didnt see that he would be in so much pain because he doesnt want to hurt me and my big ego.

If I would only be given a chance, I would turn the world around, and just believe in whatever he says. I would not prod myself with too much pride and try to listen to his heartache. I shouldve known that he will get tired.

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Yes, I am freaking stupid to let something this good just go to waste. But somehow, I just wish that I could bring back all the happiness Ive given for the past years. Our world when no one else matters and how a little thing could make him smile.

Ive learned and loved. I am still, loving. Because no one could erase that. I could be greater than Ian Wyndham if only he allows me to. Only then, if he allows me to...

Monday, September 21, 2009

Ironies of the Heart

Those who cheat get away from their cheating, while the people who tries to nurture and care for their relationships gets a whopping swoop to the head.

I can still remember the first day I wanted to blog. Because I needed to vent out about this boy that I hate. I hated him because I had the longest one-month relationship with him. I experienced a whirlwind of emotions, happiness, sadness, and you know all the euphoria of being in love. But then he had to take his space and forgot about me, the one who did all the defending on why he needed space, on how he should be taking his studies seriously and couldnt be responsible of me at the moment.

And then I moved on, I figured, if he was really for me, then the Supreme Being will cast his spell on him and make him fall in love with me again.

After four years, he did.

After four years of breaking up with a current boyfriend so we could date, passing up a potential suitor so we could be together, the forces of nature acted by letting a snatcher take my whole bag and made me email everyone on my fonebook, including HIM.

He was the one who brighten up my days (no pun intended). He made sure I get home safe even if our houses were on very different locations. He waves the white flag whenever I am on red alert. He puts up with all of my childishness and foolishness. He LOVED me. And so did I.

But approximately 40 months, he stopped. Was it my fault? Partly. Did I do everything to get him back, I think I did. Did I begged him to reconsider? Yep, my sources and the magic 8 ball says so.

In light of the situation, if you would ask me, I am still hopeful. Hopeful of the fact that when he said forever and ever, it is indeed, forever and ever. It pains my heart to explain, even to myself why it happened. Tita says, suicide is still not an option, nor the large rugby he bought for me last time I ruined my shoes. I am hopeful, because I feel that his dad wanted me to be part of their family when a butterfly visited me after his death. I am hopeful, because I am stronger than Samson, even with an odd haircut. I am hopeful because I bring luck to my life.

If everything fails, I know someone up there who will nudge him to take me back. Or wake someone who will last the real forever and ever.

Until then, I'm keeping my heart. And stitching the wounds first. After all, four years is a long wait. And I'm still sane, still me, and painfully smiling. :P

Thursday, September 10, 2009

Zoom, zoom!

Ive been buzzing in and out of the office. Nezt week, I'll be going to Lipa for the Sales Activity that we've been planning for weeks. It is my first major project and it CANNOT screw up. I'd be damned if I did.

Filipinos in the province are so funny. Last time Ive been in Batangas, we had to see this guy who rents their tents for our car display. The woman pointed us "dyan lang yun, paglagpas ng Iglesia ni Cristo". We were supposed to walk going there, but we have our own service car and believe me, the area was so far. But we love our own people, no matter how wacky they are. :P

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Speaking of the Lipa gig, this will be my first time to be alone in a hotel room. Yeah, it will be weird. Dimple insisted that I should bring a laptop. And I borrowed Hon's PSP so I'm kinda set already. :)

I'm hoping that the 3-day event be successful. And no more rain please. A car show should be sunny and preppy. So I'm praying really hard that it'll not rain. Or at least just be cloudy. After all, the proceeds of the event will be given to the San Sebastian Cathedral, so I hope it'll be swell.

Have to go now. Will be watching "I Love You Beth Cooper" while I'm still here in Manila. Zooming at you soon again.

Thursday, September 03, 2009

Merry, Happy Birthday

Drip, Drop. Rain is falling again. It's September 4 and a typhoon is coming. Yep, story of my life. This and the other 23 birthdays that I had in the past. I really can't understand why I hate the rain eventhough it has always been a part of my existence. Mom kissed and greeted me earlier, then said, "It's raining again, right on time".

Got home at ten pm because Hon and I had an early celebration of my birthday at Bonifacio High Street. Since we got back together, I would always take a leave on my birthday, except today. Probationary sucks. But I'll be spending time with my lovely officemates anyway so I have no qualms over that. And besides, I have tons of work. Hon got me two Gossip Girl books, so I only have to buy the last one. Yay!

I'm not sure if there is such a thing as a birthday luck, but it definitely rubbed on me tonight. The usual traffic at Buendia is gone, going to Serendra is a breeze and it hadn't rained on me until were in Fridays. And yes, wi-fi is such a necessity. :P

Speaking of my office, I feel so spoiled. You know the little things that make you smile, our HR department tickled me in a good way. Kuya Jerry, our messenger, handed me an envelope with a Happy Birthday card inside. Yes, so much for being so mababaw.

So my wishes for another year, a really good health, a stable career, a more patience for my partner and for my family to be blissful.

Logging off now. Long day later. :)

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