Tuesday, December 29, 2009

I woke up this morning and realized that everything is different. No more goodmornings in my phone, no more missed calls, and no more trace of him. But then, it felt light. That I was beginning to snap back to my usual self and programmed in my brain that even though we wasted those three years, it is more important to know the real reason I love and live.

So before I truly say goodbye, I needed to accept the fact that I have been shortchanging myself for so long. I used to be the girl who would fight for her friends when I first hear their boyfriends cheating on them or bullying them. Even he would get mad at me for meddling on other's affairs. I am always the one who signs up to beat the crap out of the assholes in the world. I used to plot out the perfect revenge to girls who wrecks out a relationship. Then one day, I was one of them.

And the worst part is, I was stupid to accept his faults. That I thought when he said he would change and wanted to be with me, he means it with all his heart. When he said that we will move on together, I had a foolproof plan to make it all work. And so I changed. I was willing to forgive him. But when I thought we were moving on together, he would accuse me of turning into this paranoid bitch again. He would question my efforts and tells me that I am not capable of change. So when he told me that he will meet the other woman to clear things with her, I was so ecstatic because I thought he was willing to work it out with me. I trusted that he would do the right thing and do the things he was telling me every single day. I did not say so much as a peep when he met up with her because I wanted to show him that I trusted him. And he would go back wholly, better and more confident of how he feels about me. I guess I disappointed myself in the process.

His forever and ever is worth a text. When he wanted to clear things with the other woman, he decided to meet up with her. But my worth, is an unlimited call and text Sun line, without the embellishments. "Let me go, and I will let you go", that he told me. I was worth a one liner. I have never been given the chance to say all the things I needed to say to him. How he hurted my feelings, or how I wanted to slap him just to compensate for the fact that despite I gave him my all, I will be rewarded with so much heartache. But as one of the books I read said, I don't need to yell at him and give so much credit for ruining my life.

One song said "endings are beginnings of beautiful things". So as long as I have hope in my heart, I know my beginning will blossom into something good, if not great. Maybe my happy ending is someone who doesnt bully me or tells me that I could not dress up in clothes I wanted to wear unless I shed some weight. He will be someone who understands how bubbly I am and gets so attached to novels and romantic movies. That I am the one who translates every song lyrics to my life and to how I am. He will give me flowers not because I obliged him and made parinig that Valentine's day is nearing, but because he knows that even though no single flower could amount to my love, I deserve to be treated special. Someone who is willing to sit in a movie theater with me if I wanted to watch a horror film and hold my hand whenever I feel scared, just so to tell me that I will not be alone. And someone to tell me that all these, are made to feel that a girl should be put into pedestal instead of being called childish.

My happy ending is at 27, I will get married and start a family.

But for now, the best is yet to come. The possibilities for me are endless. Maybe I dont need a man today. That being with the people you love is enough for you to be happy. That you would rather to be alone and happy, than feel committed but slowly dying.

So come 2010, I know it will rock. I will rock because I'm exceptionally fabulous. :) In a few days, a better Ria is ready to be unveiled.

Happy New Year everyone! Don't forget to wear your heart in your sleeve. It will come in handy. And never lose hope. Tomorrow is another day to feel great. :)

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