Tuesday, May 29, 2007

I Need...

I need to reboot and reformat.

Suddenly, every pressure is on me. I feel like Carrie Bradshaw stepped into my life where she feels that she is being punished or something in one of the Sex and the City's episode. I feel distressed and all, leaving all the blame with the people around me, most especially hon. I just keep on trying to argue with the most insignificant things almost all the time. I myself do not know where, when or how it happened. I just wanted it out of me. As remotely soon as possible.

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I need to write new pieces.

Feels like my writing skills are being deteriorated. I want to feel the way it used to be, sleeping late at night just to finish an article, or getting crazy over the fact that we haven't interviewed this particular person where we are nearing the deadline. It's mostly business writing at work. I am actually gagging over that fact right now. Not that I am complaining, but I am yearning to write about different people, going to different places, interviews, translating tape recordings and such. Maybe in two years or so, I would be able to do that. I don't want to teach. I made up my mind a long time ago for that. I don't want to go to law school either, there are good journalists (of course my UST friends) who are better lawyers to be, than myself. After all, I'm still young. And I don't feel like wasting my time in things that I wouldn't be able to pursue in the long run anyway.

But someday, I'd be a true-blue, working my ass off, maybe even award-winning journalist. I know in time, I would.

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I need to know my worth

Oooh, controversy perhaps? Nah, I'm just saying this to face my fears. I have been this overbearing b*tch for a long time. I didn't want to fail. If I knew someone better and I didn't like this person, I'd try to deject them. This time, I'd keep quiet. Everyone deserves a chance. But just don't expect me to be clapping my hands. That is so not me anymore.

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There. Somehow, I feel less crappy. I know there is something wrong with me, but I keep shrugging it off because I don't want to answer my questions just yet. I am happy with my life. But sometimes, I feel indifferent of the people around me. Or no one really cares sometimes.

..Maybe that's how it is supposed to be. Shallow isn't it?

Wednesday, May 16, 2007

Work and Play

It was only then that I realized to have been working for a year already. Actually, I dreamt that I was still working at Adam's and saw the people I've been with. It feels weird, considering that I have only been there for about three months. Before, I had a lot of what if's inside my brain. I even told myself that I would somehow thought I would learn a lot in a travel agency. Well, I did at some parts, but I couldn't find my happiness there.

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I could still remember how I first got into the travel thingie. My friend and I went to our school job fair already, but still haven't called for an interview or something like that. Another resort is to go to a government job fair, sign up and do the searching there. True enough, I didn't have a hard time finding a company. One that entices both worlds that I was eager to plunge in: Writing and Travel.

The moment I called for the interview, I could already sense that I have this good chance of getting in. Since they cater for pilgrimages, my education from ICAM and UST would help me a lot since I've been too much exposed to Catholicism and Religion. And maybe because the boss loved the articles I've presented him. But somewhere in the way, boss and I became foes, (not in a bad way) and decided to just leave before it could get bloody hell. hehehe.

..And still, I couldn't bear to step my foot inside the building anymore. I have no news about them too. I guess I enjoyed to much at my 8-month long company or I was just heck pissed at my old boss. Whichever way it is, I am willing to forget that past.

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Hon and I were updating each other about the elections. Told him he shouldnt complain when government sucks because he hasnt even dared to vote. I just feel sad that most of the senatoriable that I've been rooting for didnt complete the list. Or havent even been close to the partial list. I expected too much from the voters. But since people has their own decisions, let's just hope that fate could put credible and trustworthy people in the government. Or at least someone who REALLY knows what he's doing.

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It's our big day on Monday. Fortunately for him, he's having his off that day. As for me, maybe I could run to whichever place he's taking me. But anyway, we have this after-Avi's party planned up for Saturday night. Maybe not MOA anymore. I don't know, I kinda grew tired of MOA already. I would actually like to go to Trinoma but Miss Ivy said that I should give it al least a month before the stores fill up. I dont know. Plans are still unformulated yet. Just maybe.

My lips are killing me right now. Have to go. :D

Sunday, May 13, 2007

Mom means Love

Happy Mother's Day to the one of the greatest and prettiest mama in the world! Love you Mama. :D

There was one time that Hon told me I am beginning to sound like my mother. I was mortified at what he said because although I came from her, any minute now, we could turn into a Freaky Friday movie and pull a switcheroo just to understand each other.

I didn't get to grow up with my Mom. While I get to attend school at Novaliches, she was working at Manila. There are times that I would despise her because she would confiscate my Sweet Valley Books whenever my grades would drop or failed a quiz. I also felt deprived of material things, especially when I would ask her to buy nice and expensive things for me. And that caused me to love my Lola more than her.

She took me from my lola when I was in high school. I actually thought it was hell because she gets to see what I was doing, my habits, even how I study (not that it's a big deal, I just don't want anyone keeping the eye on me). So really, I kept almost everything from her. Even the guys Ive dated were off limits to our conversations because she would either ridicule or insult the guys I like. See the picture now?

It was only then in college that we became close, I guess. Because I don't thrive to have too much material things anymore, the simple things excite me. Going to malls for no apparent reason, bargain-hunting, even the night markets are looked forward especially when she invites me to come with her.

Presently, we cope with each other. Although we were like oil and water a lot of times, I love my mom. I love her fascination with dolphins. I love her bringing me my favorite things. I am proud that she puts up with Lester and I. And although we don't look that much alike, I sooo love her and no one could ever replace her here..<3

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Spent the whole day with Hon today doing lotsa things. Went to the hospital, went to Mega to buy him the Anniversary gift (which I persuaded him to say what he wants so that I would not end up buying him what he doesn't want, and thankfully agreed), bought a gift for Avi's Baptismal and Birthday, him buying me THE most awaited book "For One More Day", then went to our house for more quality time.

Anyhow, we also managed to rummage DVDs at Quiapo, but didn't buy anything. I dunno why, maybe I have so many movies still lined up unwatched, or maybe because I still have five books untouched. I feel sad that I couldn't finish them all. My spare time to read is when I travel to the office, ride a jeepney then open a book (that is, when I don't fall asleep during the ride to the office). Hence, I couldn't bear to finish any. I just feel bad that I am splurging for books, or rather I let Hon splurge for my books. I don't know. When I point something to him, he just keeps on picking it up and the last time I see it, its all paid for and wrapped. But sometimes, when I catch him buying things for me, we would always have a fight that I don't really need it and I would just want him to see it. He even reasons that he didn't get to buy things for me pa 'nun ha.

I just don't want people to have this impression that I'm spending his money. After all, I have mine to spare. I'm used to buying things in moderation. I guess I got that from my mom. See, I'm starting to be like her na talaga.

..oh well, just clearing things up.

Elections on Monday again. Have my line-up ready since last week. But I don't know, guess it still might change over this weekend. Gotta go, feeling groggy already. (Duh, why wouldn't I? It's past two. haha O_O )


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