Thursday, July 14, 2005

bleep me

Have to pass my report (again) to Mam Tuble.. I just wish I could really do all my responsibilities and have fun at the same time, also, I need moneymaking endeavors coz ive noticed that ive been spending too much. With my birthday and other events coming up, I feel as if I couldn't keep up with them considering that I'm always penniless. My mom doesn't help either. I dunno, maybe its my stubbornness and I'm shy to ask her for extra allowance. So kung sino man may alam na racket jan, magparamdam na.. Ms. Jackie even texted me if I know someone who needs an OJT and she said that may allowance daw. Nakakainis sya.. dapat nung nasa Manila Times pa lang ako, sinabi na nya, so I would have earnings diba? Have to talk to her, baka pwede ako or something. Kaso I was thinking, that with my tight schedule, baka mamatay na lang ako sa dami ng gusto kong gawin.. arrgh..sayang talaga..

Jonnah Lou asked me yesterday kung sino daw tinutukoy ko sa blog, well, its obvious naman eh. If you want to defend him, do so. Its just that I feel as if I have nothing to lose, so I already let it out to have peace if mind. And it's the only way I could really forget and let it go. I hope you understand. Ayokong maging abogado ka niya. And this is not a test of loyalty, but kung naguguluhan sya sa mga nangyayari, ako naman nasasaktan. I just don't want to think about it anymore, but it keeps on coming back. I know you told me that I shouldn’t hope for him, but I did, and, that's what my heart felt at that time. On the other hand, alam ko selfish dahil nagka-boyfriend din naman ako, pero I was hurt because I thought that he and I are friends but it seemed like we aren't what we looked like. And that’s what I'm complaining about. I do not hope for you to be on my side but I think you should also weigh on what I'm talking about.

As I was flipping at the options of my media player because I wanted to hear a particular song again without having to push a button again, I saw this one selection that says "REPEAT FOREVER". I was laughing because I thought it is a stupid phrase coz they could've just said "Repeat Continuously" or something right? And it got me thinking, if it were to be applied to a relationship, would you like to repeat it FOREVER? Some might say that "if I could only turn back time, I would do it again", but my thoughts are different now, if it becomes a never-ending cycle, I would rather choose to die than to repeat it forever. If you really love the person, and if you wanna be happy, there eventually must have an END. That my friends, is what I learned in my Ethics class..=)

Well, I hope I cleared everything. I don't wanna talk about it again. Ive been through a lot these past few days. I wish I could have someone to really comfort me and hold me when I start to cry again…

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