Friday, October 30, 2009

Just okay.

I now hate the word "okay".

I want something better. I wanted to strive for something great. Okay is when you wake up from a nightmare and you've known that its just a dream. Okay is when you tripped over something and almost fell, but didn't. That's how I define okay.

Now this feeling, its not even close to good. I'm not sure where to stand right now. I hate feeling like this. I hate feeling as if you're the second choice again. Its just okay. Were okay. I just don't know if we'd get close to nice. Or even great.

******************************

Attended the BDJ Fair last Sunday. And it was definitely one of my up and down moments again. The tarot card reader insinuated that we'd never have the chance again. He said that I will be for someone who's ready to settle down, who is more mature and someone who will understand me. I told him that it possesses all his qualities. But then he said that all these will be based on my decision.

The question though, IS THE DECISION STILL WITH ME?

After the series of an Open Bar, I decided to make a call. I decided to do or die. I figured I could say everything under an influence of something. And maybe, I could get the answer I was longing for after the tarot card reader crushed my heart.

He then responded with "Check your Facebook Page, you will know my answer."

I couldn't wait to get home to open my lappie, and there it was, him saying the three words Ive been longing to see again. That something I used to read in my fone every single day after all the hurt started. I wanted to believe them. I nearly died going home to see it because I felt I was breaking all odds just to open his message.

But now, were just okay. Okay and I'm not sure where I'm supposed to lead again. Okay as if an endless cliff should just swallow me whole. Okay that I'm not sure what to feel, where to go and how to answer. I don't know where this should go. Everytime I give up, he just tries to pull me back. But after he pulls me back, I am left nowhere again.

And yes, I'm wasting a lot of sighs.. :(

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

He Wasn't Man Enough For Me

Who do you think I am?
Don't you know that he was my man?
But I chose to let him go
So why do you act like I still care about him?
Looking at me like I'm hurt
When I'm the one who said I didn't want it to work
Don't you forget I had him first?

Whatcha' thinking?
Stop blaming me
He wasn't man enough for me
If you don't know now, here's your chance
I've already had your man
Do you wonder just where he's been, yeah
And I'd be worried about him
Now it's time you know the truth
I think he's just the man for you

What are you thinking
Do you know about us back then
Do you know I dumped your husband
Girlfriend,
I'm not thinking 'bout him
But you married him
Do you know I made him leave
Do you know he begged to stay, with me
He wasn't man enough for me

Didn't he tell you the truth
If not, then why don't you ask him
And maybe you could be more into him
Instead of worrying 'bout me
And hopefully, you won't find
All of the reasons why his love didn't count
And why we couldn't work it out

Whatcha' thinking?
Stop blaming me
He wasn't man enough for me
If you don't know now, here's your chance
I've already had your man
Do you wonder just where he's been, yeah
And I'd be worried about him
Now it's time you know the truth
I think he's just the man for you

What are you thinking
Do you know about us back then
Do you know I dumped your husband
Girlfriend,
I'm not thinking 'bout him
But you married him
Do you know I made him leave
Do you know he begged to stay, with me
He wasn't man enough for me

What are you thinking
Do you know about us back then
Do you know I dumped your husband
Girlfriend,
I'm not thinking 'bout him
But you married him
Do you know I made him leave
Do you know he begged to stay, with me
He wasn't man enough for me

So many reasons why our love is through
What makes you think he'll be good to you
It makes no sense
'Cause he will never change
Girl you better recognize the game

What are you thinking
Do you know about us back then
Do you know I dumped your husband
Girlfriend,
I'm not thinking 'bout him
But you married him
Do you know I made him leave
Do you know he begged to stay, with me
He wasn't man enough for me

Monday, October 19, 2009

But I'm Already Gone

I wanna let go.

I cant wait any longer to let go. I need to move on and get myself out of the very complicated situation. I know I deserve to be happy with someone who wouldnt hurt me. Someone who would think twice before doing something wrong. Someone who would complete me and love me just the way I am.

After all, who wants to be with a bitch like me?

I'm stubborn, I nag and I imprison someone I love, but is it ever an excuse for him to hurt me this way? For him to find someone while telling in my eye that he loves me? For pulling me back everytime I had enough?

I know I deserve better. I have been fighting for something better since the day I was born. I broke up my Tita and her her boyfriend because I dont think he deserves her. She was almost perfect, intelligent, she took care of me when my Mom worked at Manila but then I didnt want her boyfriend because I dont think he deserved to be with our family. And she listened to a seven year old about relationships. Somehow in the end, she is happy with her husband. I know that there isnt something perfect. Perfect exists in fairy tales. Prince Charmings are the only perfect gentlemen in the world. We are living in the real thing. But somehow, there is something better, there will always be something better.

And so I quote Enchanted, How does she know you love her?

- He'll leave a little note to tell you you are on his mind
- Send you yellow flowers when the sky is grey
- Well does he take you out dancin' just so he can hold you close?
- Dedicate a song with words in just for you

Anyone perfect or not can do that. So I am determined to let this go. No matter how it might have gotten, no matter how beautiful the three years we've spent together. I needed to love myself first. And I needed someone who would really complete me, and not blame me for his infidelity.

I will be okay, because my life will go on. And because I'm proof enough that I will survive, not broken but better every single day. :)

Saturday, October 17, 2009

Beyond the Smiles

I feel like a yoyo. I feel as if Ive been spinned, held up and down. Every inch of my spine is acting as if Im in braces and I have to pin myself at a wall so I could stand again.

Like Ian Wyndham said, how could you love someone so much but still you cant find the answers to make her happy. That even though you tried giving up almost everything just to live your life again, it still isnt enough. Sometimes, I wonder what is.

I have always been so undecisive in how I'm gonna live my life. I have goals which I was getting into action, but fear has always made me stop doing anything. But now, fear is my bestfriend. I had to keep it close so I would learn how to fight. I had to befriend it so I could introduce my other friend, accepting the challenge.

People have asked me where I'm getting the strength to still fight. The thing is, I also surprised myself these past few weeks. I pounded depths I never though possible. I had to smile, convince people and especially myself that I will be okay. Not fine, because that would be so swell already. At least okay.

************************************

My Facebook status says " I have found the paradox, that if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more love." I am thinking now how much this is true. It hurted to my very core. It hurted up to the point where I am taking a chance to be happy with someone else.

A friend of mine asked me reasons why I kept fighting even despite of it all. Its not about just foundation, nor history. The years might have added to the factor, but sometimes, its the good memories, the dreams you built together, the comfort that you felt and the love that you built so much in your heart that matter. Sometimes, all these reasons are enough for you to go on. In spite of the hurt and the rejection.

Maybe someday, everything will be better. Maybe...

Thursday, October 08, 2009

Are Diamonds Really A Girl's Best Friend?

I beg to disagree. hahaha!

Karch's are shoes. When I was telling her about my dilemma, she urged me to buy shoes. Shoes dont make you feel fat when you get the right size. They will make you feel tall if you feel short. It can kill you, but you can also make it work with the perfect fit.

Mine are books. I just cant live without them. You cant see me going out of town and not reading one on a long ride. My Mom used to lock my books when my grades got low and I worked hard in earning them back again. Though I managed to see where she hid them, you know where its like in a museum, and you see this very valuable piece of thing and you want to get it but it entails a great deal to do so, that's what I felt at that moment. hehehe.

*******************************

I miss meeting my friends. I missed Karch and Jops. I wanted to meet Jonnah again since we last saw each other during Christmas season. And its what? Christmas is nearing again. :P

My friends are the loves of my life for now. They make my world go round. They all understood what I was going through. They were very open-minded to my issues even though I am stubborn most of the time. They were mad at what was happening, but not to the point that they would kill someone. I'm just glad that it is finally over. That I can go back to smiling again.

As for him, I trust that he will make the right decision. Because he never lets me down. That it was a phase for both of us to learn, and go back to plan more about the future. Our future together.

I had quite a bump, but my diamonds were there in my every step. Thank you BFFs! :)

Wednesday, October 07, 2009

When All I Have is Hope..

I learned to believe.

I learned that guys in books are better, but are not real. Most happy endings are found in what I read, but real endings are much better because they make you learn the hard way. Though bittersweet, you can be proud that you worked hard for it. That you made the storm pass without letting yourself down. And the aftermath will make you a better person. It will make you go places you never thought possible. And it can help you have faith even in a tiny flicker of light. Or in my case, a butterfly that's been hanging around my room the other day. :)

Yesterday, the thorn that's been pricking my heart has finally lightened its way. I am unsure if it will take a long time to finally heal, but I needed it to. Because I believe that God still paved way for me to understand everything that's been missing in my life. I now wanted to face the real world. I've been a brat for too long, so now I know better. I also learned how to listen now. That no matter how hurt I am, I am still responsible for my actions. Tama si Miss Che, that we have gone a long way, I dont have the right to assassinate everything because of how I feel for now. That someday, I might regret the things that I said during that spur of a moment. :)

On a lighter note, will be doing something special over the weekend. Something Ive always wanted to do, but didnt have the time to. Sabi nga ni Karen, corporal works of mercy, but really, I needed to do this because I have always been blessed at home, at work, and most of all in my life. That no matter how I'm having problems now, I am still lucky. And I am still loved. By God and by my friends.

Speaking of friends, I'm very very thankful that I can lean on them in times like these. I feel really pampered. :) Special mention to Karch, whom I know I can dwell by problems with, as I do with hers. To JM, who never turned his back on me even though Ive hurt him before. Also to Cris, whom I never thought could be a friend, but I was wrong. My bestfriend Mercie can be busy with her kids, but she never fails to share her shoulder when I cry. To Jeuel and Chie, Menchie, whom have been my pillars through the pain. And basically to everyone I forgot to say. Your outpour of concerns made me realize that I have all the love in this world and nothing can change that happy feeling.

Hopefully, this will be better. Because I hope. And I believe in hoping for the best. :)

Tuesday, October 06, 2009

Facing My Fears

I have always been afraid.

I have always been terrified on braving new sights, unusual taste, marking my territory and defeated by change.

But now, I hope to see it all as a challenge. A test for me to be patient enough to myself. I have to brave things alone because that's how its supposed to be from now on. I have to take care of myself, pay the bills myself, navigate to my destination myself. And I have got to love me first.

Jayem told me last night that I could only get to my destination if I allow myself to be surrounded by friends and family. Do things I wanna do that I cannot do before I was with the person I loved for three years. Yes, the three years have been magical but the honeymoon stage has ended. I never thought it was, but then again, it was bound to end eventually.

I loved him to the very last fiber of my being. So its only fitting to say goodbye in the best way possible. But again, he didnt do the usual goodbye. He became a coward breaking up thru messages that I could only play over and over in my head. The worst part is? Even in the end, it was never meant to be easy.

Our relationship has been flighty. Were not the usual hide and seek couple that I always have. I didnt have to lie to my parents if we were seeing each other. It took time though, to tell them that were together, but I always knew they'd welcome him with open arms because he is their godson. I never had doubts about that. Everytime we go out, they all feel safe because Im with him. They always know that he's rescue me from all the bad guys in this world because they trusted him to be with their only daughter.

We never knew what will happen. We never knew that he would go astray. We never really knew.

I had faith in him. Faith that he wouldnt break their trust to him. Faith that when he said forever and ever, he meant the exact words.

Today, I cannot wallow in my pain anymore. There's a usual tear in my eye here and there, but I cannot cry anymore. My pain has gone so far that I cannot fathom to do waterworks because I have to face my life and fears from now on. Maybe alone, or maybe with some other guy, but I know I have to do this. I have all the friends in the world to prove that they will support me. As quoted by Mench "Gurl, naumpog ka na eh, nawalan ka na ng helmet, youre stronger than that. You will move on because you wanted to and maybe someone will love you as he sees your true worth".

And by faith, I know I'll be happy again. Because I'm better now. Sadly, when I got better, it wouldnt be with someone na pinilit kong magpaka-better. The new person I will love will get the best of Ria. With no strings, and no confusions in her mind. Well, good for that person. hehe.

And yes, I will be happy. Because I do deserve it. :)

Sunday, October 04, 2009

Ive Got A Feeling!

That tonight's gonna be a good good night. :)

Ive decided to embrace my destiny. No more drama, no more crying. I have to move forward and not let a simple text scare me away from it. I will try not to be stupid anymore, if my heart permits me to be. I dont want to waste my life anymore because I have to start NOW. :)

This book, THE SECRET changed how I think now. I now know how much I really worth. That if I really believe in the law of attraction, I would be able to get what I deserve. And so far, I am beginning to. It actually doesnt have to be rocket science. And besides, it dawned to me that only I have the power to take away the negative things in my life.

My favorite quote in the book is "Gratitude is a powerful process for shifting your energy and bringing more of what you want into your life. Be grateful for what you already have, and you will attract more good things." You see, I accept everything that's happening in my life now as a challenge. A challenge for me to move and get myself the uncomplicated life I'm in now. Because I deserve the best things in life. I deserve to be loved by a person who knows what he really wants. I will build my future with someone who has actually the balls to choose how he wants to live, the good or the bad.

And please, no more stress. Ive had enough already. I cannot take the blaming part anymore because Ive given all of me. The question now is, will you be willing to start anew? Because I am, and I will have it. :)

Hope everyone gets their own power to see the law of attraction too.

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