Can I Just Die Now?

Lord, please tama na.

You know that I never lied, cheated, disgraced your name. But killing me softly and torture by the one I loved the most is the most painful thing on Earth. I dont deserve this. If I see someone who has been through everything I'm encountering now, I would tell her to stop loving and start living. I would tell her that she deserves someone who could define her relationship or tell her how he strongly feel about her.

NOT.LIKE.THIS.

I cannot beg any longer. I cannot be blind no more. I wanna give up but I dont want to tolerate the wrong. I wanted revenge but you know that it isnt really my nature. I want to stab my heart into pieces so it wouldnt beat so strongly anymore. As Ninya defined, suicide is the best option. Quick and painful, meaning a separation. Instead of torture, that I continue to wait but knowing in my heart that I have been stabbed a million times.

Im not okay. Im a captive in my own misery. I chose to put myself in the situation even though I know Im not worth being there. I excused my actions because I wanna prove Im not immature, but Im hurting. Im irrational as hell. I am mourning for someone who doesnt even deserve my love.

I can only take so much. And I can only give so less. I wanna be happy again. I want to see my life to be living. I want to be there when you realized that I can give you your happiness, but I am exhausted. I am weakening. And I can no longer breathe. :(